TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on ecology. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.

1.子项得分

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2.预估分数

Estimated Score: 28

3.任务完成度

这篇文章在任务完成方面做得相当不错，你明确表达了自己的观点，并对讨论做出了贡献。但是，为了更好地支持你的观点，可以考虑提供更多具体的例子和细节。此外，在回应其他学生的观点时，尽量保持礼貌和尊重。

改进示例1： 在支持保护濒危动物的观点时，可以提到具体的濒危动物及其在生态系统中的作用，例如：“例如，蜜蜂作为授粉者对农业至关重要，如果它们灭绝了，我们的食物供应将受到严重影响。”

改进示例2： 在回应Claire的观点时，可以这样表达：“虽然我理解Claire关于人类需求优先的观点，但我认为我们有责任确保其他生物也能生存下去。因此，在利用土地时要兼顾人类和动物之间的平衡。”

4.文章结构与组织

文章结构方面有待改进。虽然你的文章包含了引言、主体和结论，但各部分之间的过渡并不明显。在撰写文章时，确保每个段落都有明确的主题句，并使用恰当的过渡词来连接不同的观点和段落。

改进示例1： 在引言部分，可以使用过渡词来更清晰地表达自己的观点：“在我看来，我们应该优先考虑保护濒危动物的土地。这是因为……”

改进示例2： 在主体部分，可以使用过渡词来连接不同观点：“首先，我同意Paul关于濒危动物在生态系统中发挥重要作用的观点。其次，在回应Claire关于人类需求优先的观点时……”

5. 语法批改

I think we should save land for endangered animals. I agree with Paul's idea about endangered animals play an important role in our ecosystemsecosystems,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) and the loss of them can trigger a chain reaction that have many further negative effects. Plus, I think Claire's reasons do not make sense, for human is not isolateisolated(Agreement: 'been' or 'was' + past tense) on the Earth, although we are the most intelligent species, we should concern about other animals. It is our duty to help other animals to survive and live in a better environment, where is not only good for human, but also friendly for endangered animals.

6.文章修订

In my opinion, prioritizing the conservation of land for endangered animals is essential. I concur with Paul's perspective that endangered animals play a significant role in maintaining the balance of our ecosystems, and their loss can trigger a domino effect with far-reaching negative consequences. While I understand Claire's argument regarding the importance of addressing human needs, I believe that as the most intelligent species on Earth, we have a responsibility to ensure the survival of other creatures as well.

Firstly, it is crucial to acknowledge the interdependence between humans and other species in our shared environment. The preservation of endangered animals not only benefits these creatures but also contributes to a healthier ecosystem for all inhabitants, including humans. For instance, bees serve as vital pollinators in agriculture; their extinction would severely impact our food supply.

Secondly, when responding to Claire's viewpoint on prioritizing human needs, it is important to consider striking a balance between human development and wildlife conservation. Allocating land for both purposes can lead to sustainable growth while ensuring that endangered species continue to thrive.

In summary, protecting land for endangered animals should be given precedence due to their vital role in maintaining ecological balance and our responsibility as intelligent beings to care for other species. By considering both human needs and wildlife conservation when making land-use decisions, we can work towards creating a harmonious environment that benefits all inhabitants. (233 words)

I 7.文章批改

In my opinion, prioritizing the conservation of land for endangered animals is essential. (Changed "I think we should save land for endangered animals. animals" to a more formal expression) I agree concur with Paul's idea about perspective that endangered animals play a significant role (Replaced "important role" with "significant role" for advanced vocabulary) in maintaining the balance of our ecosystems, and their loss can trigger a domino effect with far-reaching negative consequences. (Expanded on the original idea to make it more coherent) While I understand Claire's argument regarding the importance of addressing human needs, I believe that as the most intelligent species on Earth, we have a responsibility to ensure the survival of other creatures as well.

Firstly, it is crucial to acknowledge the interdependence between humans and other species in our shared environment. (Added a topic sentence for better coherence) The preservation of endangered animals not only benefits these creatures but also contributes to a healthier ecosystem for all inhabitants, including humans. For instance, bees serve as vital pollinators in agriculture; their extinction would severely impact our food supply. (Provided a specific example to support the argument)

Secondly, when responding to Claire's viewpoint on prioritizing human needs, it is important to consider striking a balance between human development and wildlife conservation. (Rephrased sentence for clarity and coherence) Allocating land for both purposes can lead to sustainable growth while ensuring that endangered species continue to thrive. (Added an important explanation of how balancing land use can benefit both humans and animals)

In summary, protecting land for endangered animals should be given precedence due to their vital role in maintaining ecological balance and our ecosystems and the loss of them responsibility as intelligent beings to care for other species. By considering both human needs and wildlife conservation when making land-use decisions, we can trigger a chain reaction work towards creating a harmonious environment that have many further negative effects. Plus, I think Claire's reasons do not make sense, for human is not isolate on the Earth, although we are the most intelligent species, we should concern about other animals. It is our duty to help other animals to survive and live in a benefits all inhabitants. (Revised conclusion paragraph for better environment, where is not only good for human, but also friendly for endangered animals.cohesion and coherence)

8.思维导图

• Introduction

  • Prioritizing conservation of land for endangered animals
  • Agreement with Paul's perspective
  • Responsibility as intelligent species

• Body

  • Interdependence between humans and other species
    • Preservation benefits all inhabitants
    • Example: bees as vital pollinators in agriculture
  • Responding to Claire's viewpoint on human needs
    • Striking a balance between human development and wildlife conservation
    • Allocating land for both purposes leads to sustainable growth

• Conclusion

  • Precedence for protecting land for endangered animals due to ecological balance and responsibility
  • Considering both human needs and wildlife conservation in land-use decisions

9.关键词